When I was younger the world seemed unimaginable. It was so large and I was so full of wonder. As I got older the world began to shrink, as well, did my wonder.

“Another day has past like the one before. Another day has past with hope no more.”

I used to always say that when I was depressed. I was depressed quit often. The world seemed to be closing in on me and I found myself struggling with regret. There was so much that I wanted to do. I had not experienced enough. And now it was too late. I sit her now in my home all alone. I’m a withered old man waiting around to die. It should be any day now. The tumor has taken its toll and the doctors have allowed me to go home for the final stretch of my existence. Some times my beloved stops by to say hello, but it has been awhile since her last visit. She has been with me since my early youth. We have shared almost a better part of a lifetime together. And now that I’m dying, she’s not even here for me. It’s my own fault. I was always the guy who wanted everything, but I could never quit get enough. I could never fully satiate my desires. I used to often look at my beloved with resentment. She kept me from doing so many things that I wanted to do. I used to find myself regretting almost every moment we were together. I could have been with a different woman. I could have lived a different life. A could have been happier. I call it the “what if” clause. You find yourself living a different, happier life then the one you already have. Of course, this “what if” clause only arises when you’re having doubts in your present life. And my life has been full of doubts. I can honestly say that my entire life up until this point is a “what if” kind of life. Regardless, my beloved has stood by my side the entire time.

We have shared many moments together, both good and bad. We almost divorced twice, but in the end we worked out our differences and stayed together. It seemed like we always had to take things to the brink of disaster before we were able to realize how much we loved each other. Although, right now I am pretty upset that she has not come by to visit me. I’m dying for god sakes. I just want to see her smile one more time before I go. Her smile can light up a room. I remember when we first met. That smile squeezed my heart and wouldn’t let go. I’m not really sure how that’s possible, but that’s exactly what it did. I was so nervous when I first saw her. She was breathtaking. We were at some upscale club in the city. I was uncomfortable and felt out of place. I don’t care much for the club scene, but it was my friend’s birthday and I couldn’t be impolite. Every man in the room wanted her. It was one of the most insecure moments of my life. I felt helpless and outnumber to tell the truth. She could have had any man in the room. I found myself at that moment wishing I could be with her. I began to initiate the “what if” clause. What would my life be like if I was with her? My visions were filled with happiness and unimaginable bliss. She was so perfect. Then to my greatest disbelief she walked over and said hello. We got along like we had known each other for years. For a brief moment, I understood the concept of destiny. She was like a beacon of light amidst the darkness guiding me through the troubled waters. Of course, over the years things change. The fairytale begins to fade and you seem to forget those small moments of indescribable happiness and replace them with large moments of doubt and resentment. It’s strange how time changes thing. Now that I am nearing the end of my journey I find myself changing the way I think. I am starting to remember the happy times, and not so much the bad times.

My entire life I was always preoccupied with everything and everyone else around me and I failed to understand, and fully cherish, the one thing that meant the most to me, my beloved. We shared something that most people couldn’t possibly share. We shared a life together. We shared memories, both good and bad. We lived an adventure together, side by side. She was my lover and my best friend. I’m proud of my wife and our life together. We took a chance and stuck it out. And that’s what made our journey so worthwhile. I have told a lot of stories throughout my life and to a lot of different people, but I notice that telling the story to someone that has not lived it makes the story seem less real. At that moment, the story becomes just a story. It becomes contrived and trivialized. But, when I tell it to my beloved who was there when it happened, the story becomes alive and full of vigor. That’s because she’s not just hearing the words coming out of my mouth, she is reliving the adventure with me. It is much more satisfying to share stories with someone that was apart of it all, then it is with someone who was not.

If I could do it all over again I would probably change lots of things, but the one thing that I would never change would be meeting my beloved. She is more a part of my soul than I am willing to admit. Without her I would of probably never made it this far. And with out here I probably wouldn’t have had much fun. There was a time in our youth when my beloved had doubts about me. She wanted to experience more of life than I was able to offer her. She felt at that moment the way I have felt most of my life. Back then, I almost lost her. I had to make a decision. My decision was to stick it out and hope that her doubts would subside. Usually, if a women would have told me she had doubts I would run away to live and fight another day. But, this time I did not. I took a risk and stuck by my decision to stay. I loved her, what was I supposed to do?

When she finally came around and decided to be with me, I made up my mind that I would never lose her again. I loved her more than my own life. But, don’t let her know that, it will just go to her head and I will have to hear about it for the rest of my life. Sadly enough, it should only be a couple of more days now.
I guess the most important thing that I am trying to say is that it is better to live a life with someone sharing both good and bad moments, than it is to merely live a life. I hope that’s not confusing. A life together is better than a life alone. That sounds better. I can here her coming for me. My beloved is finally here. She is still so beautiful. Her skin may be wrinkled and her appearance may be withering, but I still see the same angel that I fell in love with so many years ago. I would do anything for her. I just regret that it took me so many years to figure it all out. I have loved her through the best of times and the worst of times, and she has done the same for me. She is even here during my last days, just like I was two years ago when she died. I stood by her bedside while she took her last breath. The cancer had already eaten away her brain and her memories were scarce and scattered. I didn’t have enough time to say what I am saying now. I hoped one day that she would be able to read this, but I was not sure how that would be possible. But, now that she is here, I can tell her myself. I just wanted her to know how much she meant to me, and I wanted her to know that I wasn’t lying when I said that I would love her forever. She still has that same smile. I guess it’s time to go.

-Raven W. Night